A Short But Touching Story On Mouth Odour…

Ade often wondered why his mother never let him suckle her breasts as a baby. According to his maternal aunt, she will rather squeeze the milk into a bottle and feed him from there.
In primary school, while his mates came to school with food flasks of assorted dishes, his mother usually stuffed his small snack bag with twelve tomtom sweets insisting he takes at least one every thirty minutes. He also had difficulty making friends as people were fond of covering their noses while talking to him.
When he got into the university, the height of it was when his supposed best friend told him to take up classes in sign language. That got him thinking… Why should he learn sign language when he was neither deaf nor dumb! Determined to get to the bottom of the matter once and for all, he decided to confront his mother that afternoon.
”How true is it that you never let me sucked your breasts? Why am I the only one forced to use a separate spoon at home? Why is it that when I’m having an argument with anyone, I win as soon as I open my mouth? Why have you made me lick over 150 packets of tomtom since I was born? Why do people say I wouldn’t have a problem eating sour beans? Why mama, why?”
His mother was moved to tears…
”My son, I didn’t let you suck my breasts because you were born with a terrible mouth odour! I didn’t want my nipples to smell!” she cried out
”I guess that answers other questions”
Ade ran to his room and wept profusely. His facebook girlfriend of two years was finally due to visit the next weekend and his mouth odour seemed unstoppable.
The pain seemed to increase each time he came to terms with the fact that mouth odour is stronger than love. He had to do something fast!
Two house flies flew past his mouth and collapsed from the stench. In shock, he grabbed a can of Airwick Air-freshener and sprayed some into his mouth…sadly, the aftermath was a horrible taste. This had got to stop!
He brought out his PC to skype with the family dentist and the conversation ended with the dentist advising him to go on a long distance relationship rather than embarrass himself .
If dentists could not help him, he was going to go resort to African traditional means. With that conclusion and inquires from some people, he made his way to a babalawo shrine the next day.
On getting to the shrine, the babalawo perceived his mouth odour immediately Ade greeted him. There was no need to tell him the problem when the problem had already ‘spoken’.
After the incantations, Ade was told to bring 20 litres of palm oil, a packet of maggi cubes, 20 cups of garri, 5 litres of kerosene, 2 chickens and three thousand naira in three days time.
In exact three days, he complied with Mr Babalawo directives who handed him a small rectangular package wrapped in a red cloth.
”On the day you are meant to visit your girlfriend, take out one of the contents and chew with all your might and strength immediately you catch sight of her”. Satisfied, Ade thanked him and went home.
Upon the arrival of Emilia (his facebook friend) to the restaurant where they were meant to meet, he unwrapped the red cloth only to find a packet of ORBIT CHEWING GUM!!!
Even Babalawos know orbit chewing gum has been palliating the mouth odour industry since 1806. What’s your excuse for being so ignorant?

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Up NEPA!!!

In the late 1950’s, there lived a family in a small village in the eastern part of Nigeria. The community was peaceful, good water supply, affordable foodstuffs but they lacked one basic thing….ELECTRICITY.
This particular issue which had gone on for the past two years due to a faulty transformer did not bring the happiness of the Eze’s family to the fullest. It was frustrating living in a house with ten bulbs yet no electricity to power them. A standby generator would have been an alternative but this was the era when the then president banned the importation of generators.
The marriage of Adaora, the first daughter of Eze was coming up and she vowed she was going to find a solution to this perpetual darkness before the d-day.
After making enquiries, she was told to send for Mr Mike Ebenezer. Mr Mike was renowned to be a world class electrical engineer with the ability to fix issues of electricity in split seconds. Arrangements were made for Mr Mike to arrive on Adaora’s marriage eve. At exactly 8pm, the entire family of Eze sat in their small living room anticipating the arrival of Mr Mike. Mr Mike drove into the dark compound few minutes later in his Range Rover. As he stepped into the living room, the triumphant cries of UP NEPA filled the room as Mr Mike flashed a smile.
It was revealed that teeth brushed with close-up toothpaste shines the brightest.

Gala And Lacasera

Best couple of the century

In every molue plying the streets of Lagos, there are two types of passengers seated. The happy passengers and the disgruntled passengers. It is very easy to spot the above categories.
The former are the ones with travel kits in their hands.
The later………well, that is not why we are here.
I am writing on the unrivalled nature of our world renowned travel kits that has been saving lives since 1962.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Gala and La’casera.

Disappointed?
Don’t be ungrateful !!!
By the time you are done reading this, you gonna treat the next gala in your palm like gold! This article will be concentrated on gala. We will talk about its spouse some other time.
At this point, I am going to be taking some quotes from VERY FAMOUS PEOPLE!

Gala is likened to a female vagina, soft, pink, inviting and yummy.
Hugh Hefner

Bruce and I split up when I found out he had been secretly eating the gala Kim bought from me from Nigeria.
Kris Jenner

Man shall not live by bread alone
Jesus

GALA SAVING LIVES SINCE 1962

1. Gala Communicates
You are a shy guy seated next to a pretty girl in a bus. You want to start a conversation so badly but you don’t know how to go about it. As soon as you see a gala/casera hawker walk by, just get a pair for her. Don’t bother asking if she wants it. In few seconds her number will be on your phone.
Waiting for testimonies…

2. Gala Is Affordable
With ten notes of N5, you can have one full gala to yourself. Have I listed the bundles of nutrients you just purchased? Proteins, carbohydrates, vitamins, fat&oil etc. A gala per day keeps you a balanced human being.

3. Gala&La Casera As A Relaxant
Imagine boarding a bus from Berger to Mile2, you don’t need a native doctor to tell you there’s going to be at least five stopovers, traffic that will take much of your time and a couple of agberos causing nuisances.
When all these goes on, what do smart people do? They just gulp some Lacasera. This great drink releases some form of muscle relaxants that seems to tell your body ‘calm down, hold on, we are going home’

4. Gala Is Beautiful
Gala has the softest of skins and the smoothest of complexions. Achieved without filters if I may add. The pink beef within it is bright and appealing to the eyes. In summary, even if you are not a fan of the taste, just buy a gala, take off the pack and be looking at that beauty.

5. Gala Considers The Proletariat
Gala understands a large percentage of Nigerians live beneath a dollar per day. N50 may be your budget for lunch that’s why the N30 gala was released so the proletariat and burgoleios can munch away their sorrows.

6. Alternative To A Dildo
Now this is very interesting. I had a discussion days ago with some friends and one of them told me she uses an expired gala to wank O_O.
According to her, all she does is keep it past the expiry date till it gets really hard (no puns intended). She then proceeds to freeze it (for insurance purposes, maybe) and the rest is history.

And finally brethren, if you are still under rating the power of gala, I leave you with this…